I have been debating whether or not
to share this for sometime now, but I have come to the realization that
sometimes the things we go through are not only for our learning and benefit
but to also help someone else who may be in the same situation as you someday.
Mark and I were married in February
2014. When we were engaged we had talked about when to start our family and
other such things that you talk about before you get married. We had decided
that we wanted to wait 6 months to a year before trying to start our family,
mostly because he would be in school fulltime and I would be the one working.
And it just made sense, because then he would be closer to graduation or
graduated before we had a baby.
Our wedding day came and went all too
fast and we were living in Idaho and I was working at the Community Care in
town. We were in an married student ward and everyone was always talking about
babies or having babies. I love kids and we both would get so distracted at
church just watching all of them. There were several times in the first few
months that we were married that I thought "Oh I want a baby" or
"I think we should have a baby." But I knew that was not what we had
talked about and I thought I was just getting baby hungry.
But I will NEVER
forget that day.
It was Mother's Day, just a few
months after we had gotten married and I was at work. This girl came in saying
that she had just taken a pregnancy test at home and got a positive and wanted
to get another one done at our office. I'm going to be honest, I was
pretty jealous of her. I remember texting my sister about it and telling her
how I felt. Then I kept getting this feeling that I needed to just tell Mark
that it was time to have a baby. But I figured he would freak out since we
hadn't been married that long and that was not the plan we had talked about.
But the feeling never went away and it kept nagging at me for a few hours.
So finally got up my courage and
texted Mark. I was nervous about his response, I didn't come out at say that I
thought we needed to start our family. I talked about the girl coming in and
my feelings on that. We talked for awhile and then work got busy and I
just left the subject alone.
I worked 12 hr shifts so I got
home late. The subject was not brought up and I didn't want to push it. I
remember sitting on the couch the next day watching some TV and waited for Mark
to get out of the shower. Since you could see the bathroom from our living room
you could see just about everything in the apartment. Mark came out of the
bathroom and said "So when do you want to have a
baby?" Honestly I was take back by what he had said. And all I could say
was "I don't know"
Mark went off to school and it was my
day off so I was getting laundry done and all the other house work. I remember
being in the shower and thinking about what we had talked about, and I know
that Mark was out of school from Jan-April so I thought that would be a good
time to have a baby since he would not be stressed with school while having a
newborn. I
talked to Mark about all of this and it took some pondering but we felt like it
was the right thing to do. So we went forward with our plans
June 10, 2014
Which happened to be my birthday. I
was fairly certain that I was pregnant but of course couldn't take a test until
I missed a period.. But me not being able to wait any longer... I waited to
Mark left that day and took a test. Talk about the longest couple of minutes of
your life.
Sure enough I was right! So many
thoughts and feelings went through my mind. Then I had to decide how to tell
Mark, and I knew he wouldn't be home till that afternoon/evening time from
school.
I went to the store and got brownies
and icing.
Nothing overly fancy and please excuse the terrible hand
writing, its way harder than one might think. haha So I just put the lid on it
and set it on the counter. Mark came home later, and I was trying to hid my
excitement and wanted him to find them. He saw the pan on the counter and this
is how the conversation went.
Mark: "You didn't make a cake did you?"
Me: No
Mark bends over and sees there is white on the top of the
brownies. He opens the lid and closes it again. Than looks and me and does
it again and goes "Seriously?!?!"
To which I replied "YEP!"
Then he came over to me and gave me a hug and had a huge
smile on his face.
But our excitement didn't last long. We had yet to
tell anyone including family that we were expecting.
June 22, 2014
I was a work again, nothing overly exciting was
happening. It was always pretty slow on Sundays. We were purging the old charts
to make room for new ones. I remember being up on the stool pulling them when I
had some pain in my side, it hurt pretty bad so I decided just to stop for
awhile and do some more later.
I was alone for the last 2 hrs of work. I remember
checking in some patients and then feeling like I had peed myself.. kind
awkward I know. I waited til they took those patients back and went to the
bathroom.
And that is when I found that I had been bleeding and not
a small amount either. My heart sank and I was nervous and scared. I still had
about an hour left of work. And I knew that we didn't handle and prenatal stuff
at work, nor did anyone even know I was pregnant.
I did text Mark and told him what was going on, he asked
if I wanted to leave work, I said no seeing as there was not much time left anyways
but that I would come home and change and then figured we should probably go to
the ER and get it check out.
It was close to 9pm when we got to the ER. We told them
what was happening and they sent us for and ultrasound. I was just over 5 weeks
ago, and there was the beginnings of a heartbeat. Which was somewhat relieving
but also nervous if things were still going to be ok.
We got back to our room and the Doctor came in and
started talking to us. He said that I had a large placental tear, and a cyst on
my right ovary, but at the moment the baby looked ok, but to prepared for
a miscarriage.
They called me OB/GYN and they wanted to see us in
the morning. After that appointment we were told that it could
go either way, and that he wanted to see us again in about 2 weeks.
We went in for our repeat ultrasound to check to see what
was going on. And we found that there was no longer a heartbeat. We were both
crushed. As we talked to the doctor we decided that I would just wait and
see if I could expel the pregnancy on my own as apposed to having surgery right
away. Then when that happened he would want to see me after I had one
period.
We did end up telling our parents what had happened and
they were shocked and supportive of us as we mourned for our lost
baby.
Weeks went by and still nothing was happening. I was
getting kind of nervous, mostly because I didn't know when or where I would be
when it did finally happen. I did end up telling my boss what
had happened and the sweet ladies I worked with. Come to find out
there were several who had had a miscarriage themselves so they knew
exactly what we were going through.
I had come home from work (not sure why everything
happens while at work). I had worked the late shift and didn't get home til
after 10:30pm and Mark was already in bed. So I got ready for bed and tired to
sleep. I woke up around midnight feeling like I had to use the bathroom. But I
ended up having lots of bleeding. So I thought to myself ok this is it. In some
ways I was relieved to finally have it over with but in other ways I was sad. I
ended up getting up about ever 1 or 2 because of all the bleeding, needless to
say not much sleep happened for me that night.
I was exhausted to say the least. There was little pain with
it all, and not like what my co-workers had talked about. Mark had school and I
just stayed home and tried to rest for the events of the night before. When he
came home that evening, I though I was doing ok. I was making dinner and talked
to my mom. Then I started having major pains. The bleeding had stopped that
morning, but we decided we should probably check it out. So yet again we went
to the ER that night.
With another ultrasound and pelvic exam they found that I
had yet to expel the pregnancy and that I was only dilated to 1cm.
We had to see our Doctor in the morning, where he pretty
much gave me the option to either wait longer or to have surgery. Mark and I
had talked the night before that maybe it was time to have surgery since it had
been almost a month and nothing was happening and my white cell count was going
up.
Since I still had my cyst but it does going down in size
on its own I opted not to have it removed while he was doing the D&C. We
ended up at the hospital about an hour after our appointment to get ready for
surgery. The only surgery I had had up to this point in my life was getting my
wisdom teeth removed. Everything went smoothly and we got home later that day.
I had to get a check up in about a month to see how the
cyst was doing. To our amazement it was completely gone by then. Its advised to
wait at least 3 months after a miscarriage to try and get pregnant again. Which
in hind sight it was a good thing for us. We both grieved differently and it
took sometime to really work through all of our emotions and get over the fear
of getting pregnant again.
But looking back I can see that we both needed that time
and we were able to grow together as couple and be able to share our feelings
and fears. I am grateful for all those people who helped us during that time.
And very grateful for a Heavenly Father for His love and support through it
all. You never think that something like that will happen to you, but in all
reality it happens more than you think.
We love and miss our little one everyday but know we will
be able to see him/her again someday.
I am grateful for the knowledge that I have of eternal
families
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